For Your Own Protection

This is a message from the Federal Bureau of Nutritional Inspection. Don’t be scared. Everything is going to be fine. It’s not going to hurt. We are doing this to you for your own protection:

A preschooler at West Hoke Elementary School [in North Carolina] ate three chicken nuggets for lunch Jan. 30 because a state employee told her the lunch her mother packed was not nutritious. The girl’s turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, potato chips, and apple juice did not meet U.S. Department of Agriculture guidelines, according to the interpretation of the agent who was inspecting all lunch boxes in her More at Four classroom that day. The Division of Child Development and Early Education at the Department of Health and Human Services requires all lunches served in pre-kindergarten programs — including in-home day care centers — to meet USDA guidelines. That means lunches must consist of one serving of meat, one serving of milk, one serving of grain, and two servings of fruit or vegetables, even if the lunches are brought from home. When home-packed lunches do not include all of the required items, child care providers must supplement them with the missing ones.

We would like to welcome you to the perfect world we are creating. It is engineered by experts and political visionaries like our beloved president. He knows better.

The girl’s mother — who said she wishes to remain anonymous to protect her daughter from retaliation — said she received a note from the school stating that students who did not bring a “healthy lunch” would be offered the missing portions, which could result in a fee from the cafeteria, in her case $1.25. “I don’t feel that I should pay for a cafeteria lunch when I provide lunch for her from home,” the mother wrote in a complaint to her state representative, Republican G.L. Pridgen of Robeson County.

There is nothing to be afraid of. We only want to improve the quality of your life. You are being assimilated. That’s all.

The girl’s grandmother, who sometimes helps pack her lunch, told Carolina Journal that she is a petite, picky 4-year-old who eats white whole wheat bread and is not big on vegetables. “What got me so mad is, number one, don’t tell my kid I’m not packing her lunch box properly,” the girl’s mother told CJ. “I pack her lunchbox according to what she eats. It always consists of a fruit. It never consists of a vegetable. She eats vegetables at home because I have to watch her because she doesn’t really care for vegetables.”

We understand that this grandmother is upset. She has probably watched Fox News. In order to reassure her of our good intentions, we may have to pay a visit to her home. Then we can also make a quick inspection of the family’s dinner plates.

We kindly ask you to work with us on this. Why do you resist us? You are probably too young to remember East Germany, so let us help educating you. Back then, in a society that was also engineered to perfection by scholars and political visionaries, the government asked children to report to their teachers which way their parents’ TV antennas were pointing. You see, some parents had their TV antennas pointing toward the west to pick up free, West German TV broadcasts. Of course, our good friends in the East German politbureau could not allow that. So they had the Department of State Security – you may have heard of them as Stasi – pay the family a visit.

For their own protection, of course.

Now, how about signing this consent form to allow us to make unannounced visits to inspect what you serve your children for dinner? Or we could install these remote-controlled surveillance cameras in your kitchen. It will make things so much easier for all of us. Especially your kids, who would not have to remember every day what they had for dinner so they can tell their teachers.

Remember: it is all for your own protection.